Translators' Choices

On rhyme and rhythm

My inclination is to use rhyme and rhythm in verse. In translating Latin and Greek this must be done well and the meaning must be accurately conveyed, or the translation will sound artificial and will misrepresent the original.

Today my attention was drawn to an epigram by Martial (4.44), which I rendered into verse. Translation entails choices, so I explain the choices I made in this case.

Here is my English version:

Vesuvius: once green with shady vines,
whose noble grapes produced abundant wines;
by Bacchus more than Nysa’s hills adored,
here satyrs frolicked with their dancing horde.
To Venus more than Sparta was it dear,
and Hercules’ great name resounded here.
Now all is sunk in flames and dismal ash:
the gods will not have wished to be so brash!

The original Latin:

Hic est pampineis viridis modo Vesbius umbris,
   presserat hic madidos nobilis uva lacus:
haec iuga, quam Nysae colles, plus Bacchus amavit,
   hoc nuper Satyri monte dedere choros.
haec Veneris sedes, Lacedaemone gratior illi,
   hic locus Herculeo nomine clarus erat.
cuncta iacent flammis et tristi mersa favilla:
   nec superi vellent hoc licuisse sibi!

Literally translated:

This is Vesuvius, lately green with the shadows of vines; 
  here the noble grape had filled to brimming the wine-troughs; 
these hills Bacchus loved more than the hills of Nysa; 
  on this mountain the satyrs of late led their dance-troops. 
This was the abode of Venus, more grateful to her than Lacedaemon; 
  this place was made famous by the name of Hercules. 
All now lies sunk in flames and sad ash: 
   the gods would not have wanted this to be allowed to them!

First, the verse scheme: I choose (as often) the iambic pentameter in rhyming couplets, one of the most traditional of English forms and one well suited to epigrams. Then, line by line:

1. ‘This is Vesuvius’ would take up too much of the line, so I abbreviate it to ‘Vesuvius:…”. Nothing is lost, as the name followed by the colon points to the subject (‘deictic’ is the literary term).

2. ‘Filled to brimming the wine-troughs’ (presserat madidos lacus): Martial expands the notion that Vesuvius once produced abundant wines; so the latter suffices for my translation, and provides the rhyme with ‘vines’.

3. ‘loved’ (amavit) easily becomes ‘adored’, to set up the rhyme with the next line’s ‘horde’ (for choros); words like ‘chorus’ or ‘troop’ would not allow a ready rhyme.

4. The Latin has nuper, ‘of late’; its omission (as with modo, ‘recently’ in line 1) does no damage to the sense, since the verbs in the past tense themselves indicate ‘then’ rather than ‘now’.

5. ‘Sparta’ is handier in English than the longer name ‘Lacedaemon’.

6. Note: it is implied that there was once a temple (sedes, ‘seat’) of Venus as well as a temple of Hercules on Mt. Vesuvius.

7. - 8. As far as possible, I try to avoid inverting clauses for the sake of rhyme, otherwise I might have gone with:

   Now all in flames and dismal ash is sealed;

   The gods would not have wished such power to wield.